CareGiver Guide

You can't care for another until you care for yourself…first!


Dear CareGivers,

I will strive to be a guide for you in this process called care giving. I say strive, because I know that what I know is only my wisdom. I will actively listen to you to uncover what you want and need.

My credential for being your guide is my experience caring for my mother as she died of an incurable liver disease. I was fortunate to be able to return home to live with her starting in May of 2003 until she died on March 14, 2004.  During that time, I learned as much as I could about how to care for my mother. What I learned is how much I didn’t know.

Since that time, I have continued to think about the time I spent with my mother. I realized she taught me valuable lessons about care giving, though she was unaware that she was teaching me anything.  I have also read a lot about care giving, spoken to dozens of people about their experience as care givers, and attended seminars to learn more about care giving.

I am gathering this knowledge into a book. The purpose of the book is to reduce the stress level of care givers. The one thing I know for certain is care giving is stressful. In the book and through this blog, I intend to define a different way of being a CareGiver, a way which leads to joy rather than burnout.

The book will also include a section about an issue which I have seen little written: what happens to you when your life as a care giver ceases, either because the person you cared for heals or dies. If there is a death, you have to deal with that grief. That’s been dealt with extensively. But there are two other losses over which you will grieve about which you may remain unconscious. One, you may morn the life you might have lived had you not become a care giver. Two, you may experience a loss of meaning about the life you used to live. The things which you used to strive for may no longer hold the same enticement.

Unlike many books about care giving, my focus is on you, the care giver, not on the person you are caring for. Until the book comes out, I offer a few guidelines which may serve you now.

1. How you are being with the person you are caring for is more important than what you do. Never underestimate the value of your just being there.

2. There are many things to do — there is no one, correct path — only the path that works for you and the person for whom you are caring.

3. Build a support team: family, friends, specialists in the field. Don’t make the mistake that I did of trying to do it on your own, even when you know you can. Involve others.

4. This journey you are starting is a privilege. Honor it — and yourself. Along the way, know you will have times when you are sure you cannot take another step. Also, know that you can. The journey will be one of great growth for you and at some point, you will find joy in it.

5. Take care of yourself at all times. Find ways to make at least part of the journey fun for you and the person for whom you are caring. Yes, there are ways to make it fun. Create a way to get away from the caring, even if it just a ‘happy hour’ with people who will not remind you of your caring role. Go someplace where people don’t know you, if you have to.

Peace & Joy

Richard J Anastasi

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Caring for the Care Giver,  A Companion for the Journey

By Richard J. Anastasi

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome! I greet you with open arms to an oasis on the path of your journey of providing care for a loved one. Whether you know it or feel it, the journey you are on, or about to begin, will transform your life. It can be a joyful journey despite the tough decisions you will face, despite having to do the day-to-day deeds care givers must do, despite having to face honestly and openly the mystery we call death.

This blog is for you, the care giver. The focus of this blog is on you, not the person you are caring for. There are lots of resources which focus on caring for another. Usually the focus is on the person being cared for, not the care giver.

When I began my journey of caring for my mother in April of 2003, I was desperate to know what to do first. Someone advised me that I had to immediately come up with a plan to qualify my mother for Medicare. I was told, should she have to go to a nursing home, Medicare would pay for it.

Is that really the first thing you should consider when you realize you are responsible for the care of a loved one?

This is just one issue you will face on your care giving journey. Here, in the comfort of the oasis, is where you get to explore issues like this with someone who has been there before. That someone is not just me but includes the wisdom of others who have made the journey and the professionals whose lives are dedicated to caring for others.

In addition to the OVERVIEW, there are 6 others tabs. The HOME tab is where the current entries show up. The MySTORY tab contains entries that describe my journey as a CareGiver.

The POETRY tab contains poems I wrote during my time as CareGiver for my mother in 2003 & 2004. It will contain poems I have written since recently and perhaps poems contributed by other CareGivers. The REFLECTIONS tab has entries that reflect my views about CareGiving.

The tab TheirStory  contains entries written by other CareGivers. ThePROS tab has entries written by professionals in the field of CareGiving.

Feel free to wander among the tabs. This is your journey. There is no one right way to experience your journey. The tabs for this oasis are there so you can find the support you need to go joyfully on your way.


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